


What if this is all the love you ever get?

by drabghostofcobaltabbey



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27709408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drabghostofcobaltabbey/pseuds/drabghostofcobaltabbey
Summary: It's been four years since the DC debacle, four years since Meredith and Derek decided to end their marriage. For good. When circumstances force them to confront what happened all those years ago, can they fix what's been broken? Or is it already too late? AU
Relationships: Atticus Lincoln/Amelia Shepherd, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd, Meredith Grey/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 32





	1. Tainted obligations

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, wish I did though.**

* * *

**PART I**

_My eyes ache with the weight of unshed tears._

_You are my home, do you not understand?_

-Amy Lowell

* * *

Meredith Grey was hiding. She would never admit it

but that was, in fact, what she was doing.

Aimlessly wandering the cereal aisle in Walmart on what was supposed to be the biggest day of her career, was definitely not part of the plan but, here she was.

For the past hour, she had filled an entire basket full of things she was sure she didn't need but at that moment felt absolutely necessary.

A roll of toilet paper. A ball cap. Numerous post its. A spatula.

And now, pop tarts and cinnamon toast crunch.

She hated cinnamon.

As a child, Walmart had always seemed something out of a fairytale, something out of her reach because it was what normal kids with normal families did and Meredith Grey had never fit _that_ criterion. Ellis has always said that grocery runs were for those with empty minds and no clear purpose in life and yet, despite Ellis' bitter words, or maybe because of them, Meredith had always wondered and, to some extent, romanticised the idea of grocery shopping with your family. Somehow, a part of her had looked at supermarkets as a safe haven, a place which happy functional people frequented.

So from stressful midterms weeks to days when one of her babies wouldn't stop crying, she'd come here, to think, to re-evaluate, to just _breathe._ She could almost feel Ellis' disapproving stare, berating her for needing space, for needing a moment to breathe but then, for her, eventually everything came back to her mother, didn't it?

She was, after all, the primary reason for Meredith's current freak out. Well her and the impending Harper Avery award ceremony. Meredith had been nominated for a Harper Avery for her abdominal wall transplant and she had dreaded the day since its announcement. She knew she could potentially be the winner of the award, she knew that the odds were in her favour and yet there was a voice in her head, uncannily like her mother's, adamant that she wouldn't win, that she wasn't good enough, she never would be. Perhaps that was the reason she was here, buying random crap when she should have been dressing up for the ceremony.

_You don't have what it takes, Meredith_

"Hey", she heard next to her.

She would recognise that voice anywhere, _of course_ , she would. She had been so caught up in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed anyone creep up on her, especially not _him._ She glanced at him _,_ only find him staring at her with a mix of confusion and amusement _._

"You seemed a bit lost there" _,_ he murmured fidgeting with the jacket he'd thrown on over his all too familiar navy scrubs.

"Yeah, you know _..._ shopping _",_ she replied non _-_ committally. He was the _last_ person she'd expected here but then he was also one of the only two people aware of her secret freak out spot and she knew for a fact that Alex was in surgery. "So.. I thought you hated cinnamon?", he asked glancing at the box in her hand. She had expected a barrage of questions or even disapproving glances about her tardiness but not this, but then she hadn't expected to see him here in the first place.

She knew why he was here, she also knew that he was probably here under the orders of Bailey, if her million unanswered phone calls and unread text messages were any indication, yet to see him here, awkwardly shuffling his feet, seemed surreal and almost...wrong, especially after everything that had happened between them.

Too much water under the bridge..or whatever.

"Do you need any help?", he inquired. "With finding your things" he seemed to add as an afterthought.

"Milk, I need milk."

"Right. This way then."

He wouldn't quite meet her eyes. But then she couldn't blame him. All of this was rather reminiscent of the early days of their relationship. She still remembered a baffled Derek following her around, half-asleep with questions on the tip of his tongue. Over time, they'd come upon a routine with Derek waiting at home with a smile and his familiar warmth, he had taken to calling these escapades 'Wal-Outs' and then laughed at his own ridiculous joke.

In the infancy of their relationship, there was this nervousness.

Every sentence, every act calculated, for fear of stepping over the imaginary line and right now there was a nervousness too, but one oh so different. One stifled with the need to not give away too much, to not let the other get a whiff of the long-suppressed memories they'd both been holding on to.

"You know", he began "deaths from commercial airplane crashes fell more than fifty percent this past year", Derek stated running a hand through his dark curls.

"You think I'm here because I'm scared of flying?", she asked with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"And losing", he deadpanned.

Well, he certainly wasn't beating around the bush. Before she could bombard him with her tirade, he came to a sudden stop.

"Ahh, milk", he smirked, retrieving a carton of the milk she'd always used, from a shelf she was _sure_ she couldn't reach. He was too.

He was _infuriating_ , with his stupid smirk and the stupid _stupid_ ability to read her, still.

"Oh, screw your stupid milk and your stupid face!", she growled while he looked at her incredulously.

"Mer, can we talk? Maybe out of here? _Please_?", he whispered.

Maybe it was the fact that her tiny outburst had brought some stares their way or maybe it was the urgency in his voice or maybe it was the fact that he was finally _looking_ at her but whatever it was, she relented.

She had a feeling she would regret this later.


	2. These ties that bind

**Disclaimer** : **Nope. Don't own anything**.

Meredith Grey was going to kill Derek Shepherd.

She was almost certain of it.

She could make out the back of his head, seated on a bench with his hands flat on his knees humming an old tune and the anger she had felt simmering under the surface, came thrashing forward.

He had no right.

No right to ask her to do something she so obviously did not want to do. No right to be here and most of all, he had absolutely no right to know that she would be here. No right to know _her_.

She made her way past him, steadfast, curtly ignoring the confused glances he threw her way. Once Derek realised that she had no plans of stopping, he was hot on her heels. ” Meredith, stop!”, he yelled in a fervent yet unsuccessful attempt to stop her. He put his hand atop her arm to slow her and before she could stop herself, she flinched. He stumbled backwards with his hand almost frozen in space, a look of utter despair on his face, a look unwittingly like someone in pain.

It was _that_ look which finally made her stop.

For the past four years, they'd existed in each other's periphery, too far to ever reach, but never far enough to forget. They had made sure that their conversations never went beyond the matters relating to their children, made sure that there was always an impenetrable wall between them that neither had any intention of breaking down or well, she didn't and she had a feeling he didn't either. After all, he'd gone to extensive lengths to make sure they never interacted outside of certain need, going as far as to switching surgeries. He’d avoided her in the hallways and skipped social gatherings; somehow managing to never be around her alone.

And she had hated him for it.

As much as she’d told herself that his avoidance was a welcome relief, a steady reprieve from the painful memories and the barely concealed resentment, she'd felt hurt. And then, there was the anger. A constant pit in her stomach, ready to explode anytime but she’d persevered, never let her anger show, never gave in to it and over the years the hurt and the anger she’d felt towards Derek had dwindled into a resigned indifference.

His furtive glances and hurried conversations ceased to affect her, the only cord, now, tethering them were their children and that was exactly the way it was supposed to be. They had never let their relationship or its lack thereof, affect their individual relationships with the kids. They were successfully co-parenting two amazing children and that was all that mattered.

Meredith had believed that the rage she had felt was gone but, right now she could feel it take a life of its own, transform into this foreign entity, ready to destroy. It almost scared her. Almost.

”Meredith, I know how you feel-”

"Oh, do you? Somehow I doubt that!"

The uncannily familiar phrases made them pause. Derek recovered faster than she did.

"Your mother was _wrong_. About everything. _You_ have proven her wrong. At _every_ step. You're extraordinary, and you don't need me or anyone else to tell you that. Especially not me.” Derek took a deep breath and rubbed his face. ”I... I know that this is none of my business but the Harper Avery? It's going to be one of the _many_ accolades you win and not attending this ceremony won't make much of a difference but I hope you go. Because you, Meredith Grey have been through hell and you’re _still_ standing. Not just standing but, _thriving_ and you deserve to be celebrated, you deserve to be _there_ when they celebrate _you_.” He sighed before continuing, ” Your mother, she...was a phenomenal surgeon but she wasn't a great mother.”, she watched his eyes soften, his head tilt, ” You can't let her failures as a mother eclipse _your_ wins, Mer.”

She hadn't missed his use of the term of endearment. She had a feeling that it hadn't been a mistake, hadn't been a gaffe fueled from this sudden meeting.

He was looking right at her as he finished his speech. For a second, she almost made herself believe that everything he had said had been a lie but really, who was she kidding? She had known Derek for years, she had lived with him, she knew his tics and all his quirks. So as she’d watched him go through his speech, she knew with absolute certainty that he had believed every word he had spoken, that to him, it had all been the absolute truth. To him, it had all been irrefutable facts.

That was, probably what had irked her the most. She hadn't expected this; especially after the tumultuous divorce and the subsequent radio silence, she hadn't expected him nor had she expected his faith in her.

”Meredith? I have to get something. From the car. Just give me a minute.” Derek’s words broke her out of her reverie and she watched him sprint towards his car with a perplexed look on his face.

Watching him, she couldn't help but feel a swell of irritation towards him, towards the entire situation.

She knew what she was worth, she knew what it was that she _deserved_ and she as sure as hell did not need Derek freaking Shepherd to remind her of it. Then there was the voice in her head, so much like her mother’s, insistent on her failure. There was also the fact albeit one she didn't want to admit to, that post Derek’s semi-dreamy speech she had felt the voice in her head get a little smaller, infinitesimally smaller. But, smaller.

Well, that irritated her.

She could see Derek walking back with something akin to a paper bag in his hands. He stopped in front of her, flushed, she could now make out what was in his arms.

”Derek is that-”, she stopped, staring at what looked like a champagne bottle peeking out of the brown paper bag.

”Right. Yeah”, he muttered retrieving the champagne bottle and gently examining it.

She knew that bottle of champagne, _of course_ , she did.

_On the way here, I stopped and I got this. For when we get it right._

_Because we will. We will succeed. We will save someone._

_And when we do, we're gonna open this bottle of champagne, and we're gonna drink to Phillip Robinson and Darren Covington and all the other patients who helped us change the face of medicine, and we're gonna celebrate._

_We're gonna use this as our victory dance._

She’d looked at that cheap bottle for days on end, hoping, wishing for a miracle. She’d dreamt of opening the bottle and occasionally felt the need to smash it. Until she had. Until _they_ had. Opened the God-forsaken bottle, that is.

_And now I'm here feeling like a lame-ass loser._

_I got all whole and healed, and you don't show up. It's ruined because you took so long._

_And I couldn't even find that bottle of champagne._

”It’s your victory dance; if you want it. You’re gonna open this bottle tonight, after your win and you are going to celebrate _so_ hard.”, she watched his face break out into a smile as he talked, one that reached his eyes and she couldn't help but share his giddiness, his unwavering hope.

She, honestly, didn't want the memories the bottle brought with it. The hopelessness and later, the exuberance. All memories she’d shared with _him_. But then she remembered Phillip Robinson and Darren Covington. Greta and Jeremy. Beth. She remembered them, their stories, their bits of hope. They had changed her, helped her, they had, in essence, become a part of her. She thought of Megan Hunt. Farouk. She owed it to them. To all of them. Every life that she had saved, or lost. She needed the victory. For them.

”I took a cab here”, she muttered sheepishly while taking the bottle from his hands

”I'll drop you”, he didn't hesitate.

* * *

The drive back was spent in relative silence, not the awkward kind but one where neither of them felt the need to fill the space with empty thoughts and words.

He came to a stop outside her mother’s, now her’s, old house, she could see her car in the driveway as well as Chase’s. She glanced at his missed calls and text messages. He, too, had been looking for her.

She stole a glance at Derek, he was watching the cars in the driveway as well. She wondered what he must be thinking.

”I’ll call the kids as soon as it’s over”

”Yes, of course”

”Right, have a safe journey then” she could see him nervously bobbing his leg.

”Thank you”, she said earnestly. For all of it. She didn't say. She didn't need to. She knew he understood. He gave her a rueful smile in return.

Just as she was about to make her way out of the car, she heard him call out to her. She turned towards him, anticipating.

”Just...the kids and I will be here, cheering for you.” It seemed as if he wanted to say something else, something _more_.

And as she watched him drive away, she couldn't help but feel that she, too, should have said something else, said something _more_.

* * *


	3. New History

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Except for Chase.**

Meredith Grey had a feeling.

A bomb-in-a-body-cavity-with-her-hand-in-it feeling.

On top of everything else, she most definitely did not need this today.

She was, honestly, still reeling from everything that had transpired yesterday. It seemed surreal, almost like a dream.

The Harper Avery award for surgical innovation goes to... Meredith Grey

She'd spent the flight back home thinking of her children, and her mother. She had almost convinced herself of her shortcomings as a mother, almost set the parallels between Ellis and herself until Chase had talked her down, distracted her, somehow managed to get a few laughs out of her. Chase. He had joined Grey-Sloan as a cardiothoracic surgeon a little more than three years ago. She’d known him as a competent colleague and Maggie’s friend and- subordinate. Nothing more, nothing less. Until they’d worked on a difficult case together. A teenager in an MVC with tension pneumothorax, pericardial effusion,ruptured spleen and massive internal bleeding. It had been touch and go for a while but they had saved her that night.

He’d asked her out for drinks later that night. They had, in essence, been together ever since.

He had won her over with his lopsided grin and thick, round glasses. He was a nerd with his Star Wars obsession and his comprehensive knowledge about the Middle Earth. She’d found it adorable when they’d first met. She still did, honestly.

He had been her calm in the storm, had had her back and stood with her whenever she’d needed him to. So many times. Her kids, too, loved him. They had had their fair share of arguments but never the kind that went beyond a few days and resulted in screaming matches, never the kind that left her feeling sick, never, really, the kind she had so frequently had with her ex-husband.

Last night she had come home to a dinner party hastily put together by Maggie and Chase. To celebrate the win. To celebrate her. All her closest friends and family had been there. Zola and Bailey. Alex and Jo. Maggie and Richard. Callie and Arizona. Amelia and Link. April and Matthew. Jackson and Catherine. Teddy and Owen. Ben. Bailey had been held up at the hospital. She understood, they all did. Even Koracick had made it. But she hadn't spotted Derek anywhere. She detested the fact that her eyes had searched for him in the crowd, hoping to encounter his thick dark hair and easy smile. After their talk, a tiny, sanguine part of her had believed that they could somehow act as more than acquaintances, fumbling for the right words. But Derek had done what he did best- run away ;and she had, for some reason, been left with a bad taste in her mouth.

” Mer, are you listening-?”, she had, in fact, not been listening. She had seen Maggie say the words but she had hardly been paying attention to them. She loved her sister, she really did but sometimes, just sometimes she tended to tune her out.

Before Maggie could perhaps reprimand her, the Chief called out to her. ”Grey, a word”, Bailey posed it like a request but she’d known her long enough to know it was anything but. She watched Maggie scurry away toward the ORs as Bailey made her way in the opposite direction.

”Rule number 5- when I move, you move or have you forgotten already Grey?”, she deadpanned with a smirk on her face.

”You know I’m not your intern anymore, right?”

”Oh, you’ll always be my intern. What with the cutting of LVADs and the shacking up with attendings, I think I deserve to call you my intern for the rest of eternity.” Meredith couldn’t help but grin at that while attempting to keep up with her. They crossed the catwalk to head towards the Chief’s office where Bailey motioned for her to get inside.

”Sorry I couldn't be there last night, I was just...stuck. At the hospital.”

”I get it. It's really no big deal”, Meredith replied with a shrug.

”No it’s not.” she watched her mentor pause at that and for a second, a look akin to despair passed over face, just for a second. Then she was back to her old confident self. ”I have watched you turn into a fine surgeon, Meredith Grey.” Her voice quivered. ”You have been through so many unspeakable things, you have seen more grief than anyone should in their lifetime and yet, everytime the universe knocks you down, you get back up a little faster, a little stronger and I am in awe of that, I am in awe of you, everything that you embody. I am so proud of you, of everything you have achieved, of who you have become." Meredith couldn't help the tears that welled in her eyes as she watched her mentor move towards the back of the room and retrieve a box. ” This... I want you to have this.”, she whispered extracting an old stethoscope from the box she held. At Meredith’s puzzled look, she began to explain, ” You see, Richard gave this to me when I.. I managed to solve a difficult case during my residency. His mentor had given it to him and now it's yours, rightfully yours.”

Her hands shook as she took the box from Bailey. A simple thank you couldn't even begin to cover what Bailey had done for her, the things she’d taught her and not just the ones limited to the OR. She had helped her navigate uncharted waters and perfect storms, she had really been her north star. She had saved her life. More than once.Nothing she could say in that moment would ever describe the absolute gratitude she felt but, she could try.

” Thank you. For teaching me, for being there, for forgiving me. Thank you for everything, I wouldn't be here without you, without your reprimands and pep talks, without your belief. I wouldn't be here.”, she whispered, unable to continue without feeling the need to break down. She could see the Chief’s eyes wet in response but before either of them could continue, the door was haphazardly pushed open.

" Sorry, I’ll just come back later-”

” No we’re done here.”, Bailey quickly cut him off.

Bailey’s abrupt dismissal hurt, to say the least, but Meredith made sure she didn't glance at Derek, standing with thick papers in his arms and a guilty look marring his face.

She could feel his eyes at the back of her head as she walked away.

"Can you stop stuffing your face for one second, and listen to me-?”, Meredith muttered exasperatedly as she watched Alex put yet another piece of chip in his mouth.

”So you have a feeling? Like the kind you got when you put your hand in an explosive body cavity?”, he replied nonchalantly, she could barely discern his words with the number of chips he’d managed to fit in his mouth at once. At her look of disapproval, he put the pack away.

”What”, she yelled as she continued to pace. They were down at the tunnels with Alex seated on a gurney. It seemed like no time had passed since that fateful day the five of them had discovered this place and yet, it felt like another lifetime altogether. ” You have your I-want-to-say-something face so whatever it is, go ahead.”

He sighed. ” Are you sure this has nothing to do with Shepherd?”

She paused. ”What? Why would it be about him? Why would anything in my life be about him anymore?”

Alex gave her a look that decidedly told her to cut the crap. ” Look Mer, I know you.” he paused, but at her lack of response started again, ”You’re mad at him for not showing up last night, and you’re mad at him for showing up at Walmart.” he gave her a rueful smile as he rubbed his hands together.

Meredith both loved and despised how well Alex knew her, sometimes it made her want to hug him and other times, it made her want to punch him in the face.

Right now, she really wanted to punch him in the face.

Right as she took a seat beside him, their pagers went off frantically.

” Seems big.”

Meredith could only nod in return as they promptly made their way towards the ER.

”What have we got?” Meredith spotted a group of attendings huddled together at the trauma bay with the Chief stood at the head, waiting to address them.

She took a spot beside Chase who lightly brushed her arm in a way of greeting. He shook his head to indicate that he had no idea what was going on either.

Bailey stopped, took a deep breath and began sombrely, ” As of eleven am this morning, three men walked into a supermarket and indiscriminately shot at the people present.”, she paused. Alex’s presence clearly indicated that there were children involved.

”For some of us, this is personal and it will be hard, but I know that y’all will make sure that everybody is taken care of, that no family has to go through that pain, I know that all of you will do good.” They could hear the sirens in the distance.

”Alright, let's get to work people!”

” Carrie Fitzgerald, a 17-year-old female with a GSW to the abdomen; she also hit her head; potential skull fracture”

”Cross, you’re with me; let's get her into trauma room 2. Quick and page neuro!”, Meredith watched her intern rush ahead with the gurney.

”Carrie! Please, she has to be okay! oh God” Meredith watched a young woman with thick blond hair, probably the same age as her patient, dash out of the ambulance, shaking, sobbing. She noticed that her right arm was bleeding and motioned for another intern to approach her. ” Ma'am, can you please let us take a look at your arm?”

”No, I'm fine; please, just take care of Carrie, she’s my best friend. She can't-” She watched the young woman break down, almost falling to the ground. She glanced at her nametag.

Meredith gently moved towards her and put a hand atop her uninjured arm, ”Sarah, my name is Meredith and I promise you that I will take care of Carrie. Will you let Dr Helm look at your arm?”, she whispered. With a slight nod, she walked ahead with Helm.

As she watched them go, Meredith couldn't help but think of Cristina; and the shooting. Gary Clark. The agony she’d felt when Derek had been shot. The anxiety when the shooter had put a gun to Cristina’s head and threatened her. The fact that she hadn't talked to Cristina in months, not beyond obligatory text messages. But she didn't have any time to dwell on those things, not now.

She reached the trauma room to find Derek examining Carrie. ” Depressed skull fracture. She’s going to need surgery.”

”We can work together; Cross, let's get her into an OR immediately.”

There was a stifling melancholy to the air, an overpowering feeling of desolation threatening to drown her, immobilise her but she couldn't let it, she had to keep moving; for Carrie, for Sarah and selfishly, for herself too. If she let the memories take ahold of her, she knew that it would become hard to breathe, the trauma would hold her still. She couldn't have that. Not today.

Derek was scrubbing beside her solemnly. For a fleeting second, she wished she could talk to him, just talk, about the shooting, about their shared trauma, about today but then she pulled herself together and concentrated at the task at hand, simultaneously going over the procedure in her head.

”I'm sorry about last night”, he said looking down at his hands. She understood that it was just a feeble attempt at breaking the uncomfortable silence between. She didn't care that he hadn't shown up. Way would she? They were nothing to each other yet, she found herself harshly responding to him, ” Derek, you don't owe me anything so.. it's fine.” she stared right through him as she said this yet she didn't miss the hurt in his eyes or his defeated sigh.

They had been working on Carrie for a while when things started to go south.

” I can't find where all this blood is coming from. Damnit!”, she was exasperated, she needed to figure out the origins of the bleeder otherwise she knew it would be fatal.

” Cross, retract over here. Come on, come on! Where are you?” she frantically searched for the bleeder, elbows deep in her body cavity.

”She’s bottoming out!” Meredith heard the frantic beeping of her heart monitor.

” Push one of epi-”

”No! I have this... just give me a second” she manoeuvred her way through her peritoneal cavity before she found exactly what she was looking for. The bleeder was hiding behind her spleen, hiding in plain sight. ” Got it. Clamp.” As soon as she got the bleeding under control, her vitals began to restore to normalcy.

Before she could even heave a sigh of relief, they started to lose Carrie again.

”What happened?”, she exclaimed.

”Her brain’s swelling.”, she could hear the fear and trepidation in Derek’s voice as he hopelessly tried to salvage the wreckage.

” V-fib!”, her scrub nurse screamed.

” Push one of epi!” She watched him abandon his instruments to head towards Carrie’s midsection.

” Starting compressions.” she retrieved the paddles as he kept going.

” Carrie, come on. Come on.” he chanted, almost like a prayer.

” Charge to 100. Clear!”

” Nothing”

” Charge to 200. Clear”

” Push one of atropine”

”Charging to 300! Clear.”

Yet, nothing. She knew it was too late. Every individual in that OR did and yet they kept on working on her, especially Derek, hoping against all odds that this young girl would get another chance, that she would fight back. She watched him tirelessly continue the compressions. She knew she had to stop him, they had to let her go.

” Dr Shepherd. Derek. Stop, she’s gone. We have to let her go”, she gently tried to coax him.” Derek”, she repeated until he finally stepped aside, glanced at the monitor and declared, ” Asystole. Time of death: 14:25. ” She felt the lump in her throat get larger, threatening to burst, threatening to drown her.

Moments afterwards, all of them stood, unmoving; mourning a life lost too soon, a life left unfulfilled.

By the end of the day, they had saved more than they had lost yet, she could still feel Carrie’s loss deep in her stomach, Sarah’s cries still echoed in her ears and the feeling she had had, stayed.

She found Derek in a radiology viewing room surrounded by scans; he had been MIA since Carrie’s surgery. She couldn't pinpoint what made her stay, maybe it was the slouch in his shoulders, maybe it was the defeat she’d seen in his eyes post the surgery or maybe it was the sudden inexplicable need she had to hold him, to have someone share the trauma they had experienced.

She knew his wounds ran deeper, flared raw everytime something similar happened; due to his father’s murder and the burden he still shouldered from the losses in the hospital shooting.

”She was just a kid”, he muttered, barely more than a whisper. She saw the tears mirrored in his eyes.

” Freshman at Wash U.”, she replied. She’d thought, as a parent, it would get easier over the years yet, it had only gotten worse. Every child or teenager lost, made her insides curl and her throat tighten.

A silence enveloped them as she watched Derek send out a silent prayer to the universe, for the ones they had lost and she knew, for the ones that were left behind.

Shaking his head, he strode towards her with a CT scan in his hand. ” If you have time, could you maybe take a look at this?”

She stood with the scan held up high as he rattled off the specifics beside her.

” Early fifties, white male with hepatocellular carcinoma. Stage three with a bilobed liver tumour which is wrapped around the hepatic vein; also slightly impinging on the portal vein. ”

The tumour itself was exquisite, smart even, with the way it had made its way around the largest gland of the body yet, it was only bad news for the one involved. The best approach would be to not resect the tumour and without resection, the prognosis was abysmal.

” Surgery..” she paused, ” It doesn't seem like a feasible option, the tumour’s too deeply intertwined with the vasculature to resect without it being fatal. Transplant could have been an option but then again, the veins involved complicate that. ”, she finished.

” He’s... an old patient of mine.”, he answered her unasked question. Derek stood, arms crossed ,intently staring at the scan. He then quickly gathered the papers and thanked her for the consult.

Something seemed off about his demeanour, his lack of a response bugged her and she wanted to ask more yet, she knew it wasn't her place to.

So she walked away.

On her ride home with Chase, Meredith just wanted to get back and cuddle with her babies, push the bad memories back where they belonged. Usually, on days like these, she’d share a tub of ice cream with Chase to ward off the sorrow; she managed a small smile in anticipation.

She strode inside her doorway to find the lights all out and the children nowhere to be seen. Maggie’s car was also missing from the driveway.

”Zo! Bailey!”, she yelled, trying to calm her racing heart.

Chase hurried back behind her, ” They’re spending the night at Derek’s.” she startled at her ex-husband’s mention. ” Maggie took them. I swear they’re fine. She called from there. I’m sorry I didn't tell you earlier but please trust me, Mer. I even asked Shepherd to text you a picture of them.”, he rambled. She checked her phone and there was, indeed, a picture of Zola and Bailey cuddled in front of the TV in their pyjamas. It brought a smile to her face yet, she was ready to reprimand Chase when he stopped her. ” Mer, please hear me out”, recognising the desperation in his dark- amber eyes, she calmed herself enough to listen to him.

”Okay, so I definitely did not plan this right.” He let out a nervous chuckle and ran his hand through his hair before continuing, ” I asked Maggie to take the kids to Shepherd’s because there was something I needed to talk to you about. Alone.” She looked up at him, questioning.

” I... what I wanted to say was that today was a bad day, to say the least, yet everytime I thought of you, I felt a little better, every minute I was with you, it didn't feel like I was free-falling, I just...I felt like even in the worst possible time, even amidst the most intractable crisis, everything would be okay, if I have you by my side; and I hope that you feel the same way because Meredith, I love you, I love you so much. ” He paused and took her hands in his. ”It’s.. It's like when Arwen told Aragon that she’d rather share one lifetime with him than face all of the ages of the world alone”, he was now talking animatedly with a sparkle in his eyes, ”Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin all this with my nerdiness but I mean that I want that. With you. For the rest of my life; if you’ll have me. ”

”So...”, she watched him fumbling for a blue velvet box in his jacket pocket before he slowly got down on one knee, ” Meredith Elisabeth Grey, will you marry me?”

She looked down at this sweet, wonderful man who loved her and the feeling she had had?

It persisted.

**A/N: hello! Again sorry for the delay in uploading this chapter.Like it? Hate it? Please tell me. I’d love to hear what you guys think!**


	4. In The Midnight Hour

**Disclaimer:All** **rights reserved to abc studios and the creators of the show.**

Derek Shepherd was running.

Not the metaphorical, but the real kind.

Okay, maybe a little bit of the metaphorical kind too.

He’d taken to running ever since his divorce, he had even managed to compete in a couple of marathons. Most people assumed it was something he'd adopted to stay fit but really, it was a system he’d perfected to escape reality, escape his reality. The reality where he wasn't married to Meredith, one where they didn't get their happy ending, one where he lived in an apartment with his youngest sister.

Sometimes, just sometimes, he liked to pretend that nothing had changed, that they were still together, married. Maybe they would have had another baby. Maybe not; they would still be in their dream house with swing sets in the porch and Sunday evenings by the fireplace, barbeques in the summers and bonfires in the winters; he missed it, he craved it, the life they could have had only if he hadn't been so stupid and so _selfish_. He longed for the days that never occurred and the things they could have been, together but mostly, he longed for _her_ , her smell, her laugh, her quiet resilience, her passion and determination, her unflinching kindness, her love. It hadn't taken him a long time to understand that to be loved by Meredith was exquisite yet it _had_ taken him a long time to appreciate that love and he had paid for it, rightfully so. And yet she’d forgiven him. Over and over again. After he’d betrayed her trust. Over and over again. He didn't deserve a life with her, not after the ways he’d hurt her, not after the things he’d done; he didn't even deserve to entertain the illusions he’d created to tide through the past four years so, he needed to stop pretending, looking for ways to talk to her, hoping for another chance. He just needed to stop.

He could hear Bruce Springsteen screaming in his ears about lost love and second chances and so, he changed the song and picked up his pace.

”You’re late!”, he heard Olivia yelling as she made her way toward him. He had spotted her from the corner of his eye long before she’d approached him.

”You. Are. Late", she repeated indignantly, slightly panting from her sprint.

”No, I'm not”, he replied.

”Excuse me?”, she raised her eyebrows. ” I told you to be here at 7:00, it is _7:30_ right now which you would know if you’re capable of telling the time, or if you possess a watch.”

He rolled his eyes at her dry comment before continuing, ”Okay a. I have been running since 7:00 and b. I never agreed to meet you so as a matter of fact no, I'm not late.”

”We run together every morning, Derek.”

”Not today, we weren't.” he shook his lightly and ran ahead hoping that Olivia’s petite frame would put her at a disadvantage.

”Real mature. Jerk.”, she caught up to him. He knew he couldn't outrun her, she had, after all, been a cross country runner but he just couldn't face her innate apprehension about his future. Not today.

”Look, Derek stop.”, she pulled on his arm to turn him towards herself. ” I know you're mad at me but how about you stop acting like an ass and we go sit at that bench and talk, you know, like civilised human beings who also happen to be friends.”

He huffed in reply while she dragged him towards the park bench they’d often sat on. He hated to admit it but he was grateful for her insistence on being seated, he had barely run two miles but already he could feel his body shutting down, he could feel the beginning of spasms in his legs and an all too familiar ache in his upper right abdomen. He absolutely abhorred the fact that he had to stop now, up until a few months ago he had been able to run a minimum of five miles before having to stop and now even the thought of doing that brought excruciating phantom pains with it.

Well, there wasn't much he could do about the pain, not without accepting the reason behind it and, ignoring the cause didn't lessen the pain much but it sure as hell made it bearable, just barely, but bearable.

The early sunlight made her olive skin almost sparkle, he didn't have to be attracted to her to acknowledge the fact that Olivia Turner was an extremely beautiful woman. She was a surgeon at Seattle Presbyterian. They’d met when Amelia had set them up on a blind date, a feeble attempt at getting Derek out of the apartment yet she had been hopeful about her matchmaking skills; Derek knew better, Amelia’s matchmaking skills were abysmal so he hadn't entered the small, quaint restaurant with high hopes and he’d met Olivia. They had known from the get-go that what they possessed would never go beyond friendship so they hadn't even tried. But with Olivia, he had found perhaps a kindred spirit, and over months she’d become one of his closest friends. Honestly, the closest friend. She knew everything there was to know about him, almost everything. But then that too, had its repercussions.

Case in point- the ongoing conversation.

”So I guess she said yes then?”

"Who?"

"Meredith. She must have said yes that's why you have your sad eyes mode on.”

”My what again-? And I don't know if she said yes.”, she continued to stare at him. ” But I assume that she did, yeah.”

”So you don't know?”, she asked him, he could feel her patience thinning.

”I mean I do know-”

” You just said that you don't!”

” I know because I know her”, he speaks softly but Olivia doesn't seem to care for his technicalities as she stands up, fuming.

”Enough now, Derek.” she lets out a defeated sigh ”You have been stalling and stalling, fooling around, giving inexplicably stupid excuses and _I've_ let you but not anymore. You know how important this, you know that we don't have any time to lose and yet you just... it's like you just don't care- about yourself or...the ones who love you”, she shakes her head in dismay, unable to look at him.

He doesn't really have the strength to look at her either, not after what she’d just said, not after the bit of reality she’d thrown his way.

He did feel guilty, contrary to what she believed, but just...not enough apparently.

” Talk to your sister. Tonight. Or I swear to all that is holy that I _will_ tell her.”

”Doctor-patient confidentiality”, he replied flatly but one look at her, hands on hips and a steely, determined expression marring her face, he knew that she wouldn't hesitate to do as she said, consequences be damned. He wants to scream at her but all he does is sit and stare, exhausted.

* * *

Olivia was right.

He had spent too much time dallying about, unable to accept the truth. He’d let his fear overwhelm him; in the choice between fight and flight, he’d chosen fear. But that wasn't it. He couldn't tell Amelia, couldn't burden her with the information he was privy to. She was his baby sister, he had to protect her. As much as he could. Admittedly, he had been the reason for her pain, more often than not and he understood that she didn't need his protection but he had made a promise.

But really, how could he protect her from himself? And for how long?

So he had to tell her. Tonight. He could not risk her finding out from Olivia. Or anyone else. That would be catastrophic, to say the least. He wasn't completely convinced that tonight would go down well but, his hands were tied. He just had to...go for it.

”Dad”, he almost dropped the plate he’d been rinsing as he turned around to face his older child.

”Zo”, he whispered, ”You should be in bed, it’s a school night, sweetie.”

”Do you need some help?” she said pointing at his suds- covered hands.

He shook his head and started to wash his hands as Zola took a seat at the kitchen table.

He took a seat beside her handing her a glass of water. He was determined to get her back in the bed, perhaps read a couple of chapters of the Percy Jackson book she had been reading but something in her eyes made him pause. Something was bothering her, enough to keep her up at night and he needed to know.

He gently rubbed circles on her back, urging her to begin.

”It’s... nothing I.. just.”

He waited for her to continue; she was fiddling with the elastic band around her wrist, the one she refused to take off even when she went to bed. It was a habit, he noticed that she had picked up from her mother and he couldn't help but smile at that.

”It’s just that... Mom’s getting married.” she let out the breath she’d been holding.

Well, there it was.

”Yes, she is”, he replied softly. ”Zo, are you not okay with that? I thought you liked Chase?”

” I don't know and I do. Like him. Chase’s pretty cool; he knows everything about Harry Potter and he comes to my ballet recitals and Bailey and Mom love him too but..”

He cocked his head at her questioningly. ”But..?”

She looked right at him as she exclaimed, ”But he’s not _you_ , Dad.”

”He’s not replacing me, Zo. I’ll always be your dad. No matter what.”

”I know that. I'm not a baby anymore, Dad” she rolled her eyes at him and a little part of him wondered when she’d gotten old enough to do that.

”I just always thought... that one day you and Mom would get married. Again.”

They sat in silence for a while, he was too stunned to speak or move, it was as if he’d been sucker-punched. By his daughter no less. He quickly smothered the quiet hope he could feel building in his chest before it made it hard for him to breathe.

He moved a little closer to her and began demurely, ”Princess, that's not how it works. Once you get a divorce..you don't really get back together.”

”But Aunt Callie and Aunt Zona did.”

”Yes, but not always, not even most times. Your mother...she loves Chase so we’re never-”

She nodded somberly.

”You’re not going to leave either, right?.” she wouldn't look at him as she spoke quietly.

”Zo, why would you ask that?”, he enquired with a deep frown on his face.

”My friend, Matty, his Mom got married and then his Dad moved to Chicago and now he only sees him for Christmas. Sometimes.” she seemed perturbed by the idea that he would leave, soon. He swallowed the lump in his throat and consequently, his chest felt a little tighter.

”Zozo, I'm not leaving you and your brother. Especially not because your mother’s getting married. You’ve got _nothing_ to worry about, sweetheart. You and Bailey are everything to me and I'd never leave you. Not if I can help it. Unfortunately you, young woman, are stuck with this old guy and his horrible, really bad, no-good jokes.”

He forced a smile and bumped her nose slightly and somehow, elicited a loud chuckle from her.

He wasn't lying. He _wasn't_. He would never leave them. Ever. Not if he could help it.

But the question was- did he have a choice?

”Tell me a joke, Dad”

He didn't have to worry about that now. For now, he could make his daughter laugh with his horrible, really bad, no-good jokes. And

that was enough.

* * *

It was late.

Consciously, he knew he should have been asleep but when he’d been putting Zola to bed-the second time- she’d seemed warmer than usual. A quick examination revealed that she had a fever of about 99 degrees so, he stayed up with her until her fever broke. Which was about twenty minutes ago. He was worried about her, the rational part of him knew that it was most likely the flu, after all, it was the right time yet the parent part of him unwittingly worried. Her history had given them reason enough to worry as well as to tread carefully whenever Zola got sick. If her fever spiked or she exhibited any more symptoms, he wouldn't hesitate to take her to the hospital.

One of his usual bouts of insomnia had coincided with all of this so here he was, sat at the kitchen table with a glass of milk and his old dog-eared copy of The Grapes of Wrath.

The front door suddenly opened as Amelia entered the apartment. He wondered how she had been aptly called Hurricane Amelia for years in her childhood and adolescence as she sat removing her boots and coat.

”It’s late. Why are you still up?” she questioned him.

”Zola had a fever. It broke about 20 mins ago.”

”Poor baby. ” she had probably spotted the worry on his face as she continued, ”It’s just the flu, Derek.”

”Yeah. I know.” she smiled slightly at him.

” I made spaghetti; do you want me to re-heat some for you?”

”Yes. God, I'm starving. You know I removed this massive glioblastoma today.”

He worked around her, listening. He needed to find the right time to tell her. He felt uneasy just thinking about it.

He put the plate in front of her as she rambled on about her cases.

”-and I was almost sure that I was gonna lose him to that stupid bleeder and-I'm pregnant."

"Wait-what?", he looked at her incredulously.

She covered her face with her hands. "Crap. Crap. Crap! I thought you weren't listening so I just...God, I shouldn't have just blurted it out like that. These stupid, stupid hormones.” She paused and stared at him. ”You’re mad, of course, you are.”

She started pacing the room while furtively glancing at him, periodically

”Why do I have to always do this, just be stupid Amelia, yes-”

”Amy, Amy- stop!” he rushed towards her and put his hands atop her shoulders in an attempt to stop her.

”Wait-you’re smiling.”

”Yes!” he clapped his hands in exuberance and let out a breathy chuckle. The smile he felt growing on his face wasn't the one he gave his patients, or the patronising one or the one he’d put on the past couple of weeks, it was the kind that crinkled his eyes and made his cheeks hurt.

”I’m so happy! I'm going to be an uncle! My baby sister’s having a baby. This is..unreal.”

”Wait- why are you crying? Are you not happy about this?”

”No, No I am. It's just...these stupid hormones make me cry at everything.”, she muttered rubbing her eyes.

”Okay, so how far along are you? Have you had yourself checked yet? Scan? Have had any cravings yet?”, he frantically moved around the apartment.

”Who are you and what have you done to my brother?”

”And the father is-?”

”Ah, there you are. My ass of a brother”, she pretended to be miffed but the smile never left her face.

”You didn't answer my question, Amy”

”Link, you ass. And for the record, you’ve become an uncle 14 other times before.”

”It’s different this time, this one’s going to be my favourite niece or nephew.” he winked at her, she just shook her head at him.

As he stood watching his youngest sister, giddy and excited for the future, he couldn't stop the hope that flared up in him and for once, after a long while he didn't feel like diminishing it either.

”Daddy”, he heard a quiet whimper.

”Zozo, I'm so sorry, we didn't mean to wake you, sweetie.”

”Daddy, I don't feel so good.” Derek moved quickly towards an uncomfortable looking Zola and as soon as he reached her, she threw up.

”Okay, I'm taking her to the hospital. Now. Amy, stay here with Bailey.” he helped Zola towards the bathroom as he instructed his sister.

It had to be the shunt, the signs were all there. The shunt he had put in was failing and he had no one but himself to blame, no one but himself to blame for the pain his daughter was going through, the pain he was putting her through.

He had failed her too, just like he failed everyone who had ever put their trust in him.

* * *

**A/N: hello. Sohere’s the next chapter, I'm not very satisfied with it honestly. But what did you guys think? Tell me, please. Also a very Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone!**


	5. I’ll Keep You Safe

**Disclaimer: All rights reserved to the concerned authorities.**

Meredith had been a mother for the past eight years yet, there hadn't been a day where she didn't feel like a bad one.

She had woken her kids up at six for she needed to work, she had missed performances and practice sessions, rarely, but she had. There had been days when she had given them cereal for dinner because that was all that she could manage that day. She had failed them over and over again, it was as if they were out in the freezing cold and no matter how hard she tried, she could never find a blanket big enough to protect them both, always leaving parts of them exposed, vulnerable always proving her inadequate, unworthy of their lover, of their trust.

She was a mother and all she wanted was to protect her children yet somehow with every that passed, the feeling that she was losing them, grew stronger and stronger.

Shunt malfunction. She knew the symptoms, she’d studied them extensively when Zola was a baby. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst- that had seemed to be the mantra to motherhood. Or so everyone told her. So she’d worked her way through every article, journal or textbook that mentioned the complications of a CSF shunt, irrespective of the fact that her husband was a neurosurgeon. She needed to know, to fight for her daughter she needed to know.

However, if being a mother had taught Meredith anything, it was that nothing-no textbook, no prior experience, no heartfelt tales ever prepared you for your child’s pain.

She could feel Chase periodically gaze at her, a worried expression on his face. She understood that his concern was more for her than it was for Zola but then he wasn't a parent. He wouldn't get it, couldn't possibly understand the relentless worry, the unceasing terror.

She could see the hospital in the distance, she hurriedly took off her belt, unable to sit still any longer. Again, she felt Chase glance towards her but he didn't chastise her or in any way express his worry. He might not be a parent but he was trying, she appreciated that and she’d let him know. Once she had a moment.

She rushed towards the gates of the hospital, leaving the car door open in her hurry while continually going over the symptoms in her head, she had been ever since Amelia had called her with the news.

Fever. Vomiting. Fatigue.

It had to be the shunt failing. It _had_ to be.

The shunt that Derek had put in.

* * *

Derek hated waiting rooms.

He had ever since he was forced to sit in one, clutching his traumatised youngest sister while they waited for their mother to arrive.

So that they could get their father’s body.

He hated what they represented, he’d never been one for waiting, he liked to do, to work until he had a cure, to search until he had an answer, he couldn't sit back while the people he loved were suffering. Surgeons were hard-wired that way, to keep moving, to act for if they didn't somebody would lose their life, yet he was aware of the fact that some part of his unending need to do, his inability to wait for things to work out, to trust the universe- came from the young boy who had watched his father die, powerless, unable to do anything but watch him bleed out. That boy made it impossible for Derek to wait and hope for the best.

As he paced the length of the private waiting room Bailey had forced him in, he wondered yet again how he had missed the symptoms. How could he- a neurosurgeon- have missed the signs of his daughter suffering from shunt malfunction? How could he have let things get this far? How could he have ignored it when Zola complained about her fatigue? He had been so wrapped up in his own issues that he’d failed Zola. He could never forgive himself for that.

He shouldn't.

Amelia had already briefed Koracick before they had reached the hospital so Zola was immediately rushed in for a CT with Derek right behind them, he was ready to ask questions, to discuss the CT results with Koracick, to figure out the treatment plan until Miranda had practically thrown him out. He had been ready to fight his way through, even through Miranda but then he realised that she didn't have to be here, it was five after three A.M and the Chief of Surgery was here, for Zola; she’d left the comfort of her warm bed and the chance to see her son off to school in the morning to be there for Zola, it gave him a little comfort, not enough to stop his roiling stomach but just enough to back out of the CT room. Miranda had always watched over Meredith like a mother so he knew that she would her watch over her daughter too so he paced the waiting room, awaiting the results.

He heard footsteps approaching the room with Meredith’s voice echoing through the hallways. From what he could make out she was yelling at the interns, demanding answers but he could very clearly make out the concern in her voice, the unflinching fear that only a parent can experience and while every part of him was terrified, now it was also relieved because she would get it, Meredith would understand- the terror, the agony, the primal fear- the utter dread that came with loving this tiny human more than it had ever seemed possible.

She was _their_ daughter and for now, she would have them both, right by her side.

Meredith turned the corner and quickly entered the room, finally spotting him.

”Where is she?”, she exclaimed as she made her way towards him. He watched the young interns stealthily scurry away while she made her way across the room.

”They took her for a CT”, he replied.

”Then why are you _here_? You should be with her, she’s probably terrified and I wasn't here already but she had you and you’re here, standing around when you should be with your daughter!”, she yelled, gritting her teeth. ”And you didn't call me...you..you didn't call me, Derek! Amelia did! You should have called me as soon as she got a fever. She’s my child too, God damn it but no, you have to do this. Everytime!”

”Meredith I did try-”, she cut him off before he could even begin to explain his actions.

”No, don't..just don't.” she began to stride angrily around the small room, her fists clenched, a frustrated frown on her face before she rounded up on him again-this time with a finger pointed at him.

”You know the symptoms of shunt malfunction, you knew that that was a possibility and still- You. Didn’t. Call. Me. I had to find out through your _sister_! That my child was sick, that our child was sick enough to be taken to the hospital! She..she must have been in so much pain and I wasn't there for her.” he heard her voice break at that, he watched as she brought a shaking hand to furiously rub her eyes before she continued, ”You should have seen the signs and you should have called me, you should have never let it get this far, never let her suffer so much, you should have been a better father, Derek.”

He didn't make a move, not to refute her claims or to defend himself. She was right, after all.

He should have called her as soon as Zola had spiked a fever. He hadn't.

He should have recognised the signs. He hadn't.

He should have fought harder to be inside the CT room with her. He hadn't.

He should have been a better father. But he _hadn't_.

So he hung his head and tried his very best to not to fall to the ground and sob.

"It’s not the shunt”, Miranda whispered behind them. She was flanked by Koracick and her intern with scans in the latter’s arms. Somewhere along the way, Chase had entered the room as well and now stood at the back, silent. They strode towards the Chief.

”It’s not the shunt. The CT came back clear.”, it was Tom this time, he personally wasn't a fan of the guy; he was an ass but a brilliant surgeon- Derek could vouch for that so he did trust the surgeon but took the scans from the intern anyway. This was his child, he needed to know for himself, there wasn't room for any error, not anymore. After a thorough perusal of the scans, he concluded that they were, in fact, clear and after what felt like a lifetime he breathed a sigh of relief.

”Where is she?”, Meredith asked. The absence of any fault with the shunt didn't shun all the other possibilities, it could simply be the flu but something in Miranda’s expression made it clear to him that it wasn't just the flu. He knew that Meredith saw it too.

”I examined her and found that there was tenderness around the Mcburney’s point so- fever, vomiting, tenderness around the Mcburney’s point.”

”Appendicitis.”

”Yes.”, the Chief nodded, ” I got her a dose of morphine to relieve the pain and it knocked her out right after. As soon as an OR frees, I will have her prepped for surgery. Meredith. Derek. I have her, I will take care of her.” she stared right at them as she said this. ”She’s in room 2223.”

Meredith quickly thanked her before making her way towards the pediatric wards, Chase right behind her. Derek stayed a moment longer, nodded gratefully towards Tom before catching Miranda’s eyes for a minute, silently thanking her- before he too rushed out of the room.

To be with his daughter. While he still could.

* * *

Zola had been taken into surgery about 45 minutes ago with the surgery, hopefully on its last leg. It had taken a little over an hour for an OR to clear up considering an MVC had arrived resulting in most of them being occupied. Meanwhile, Zola had been given antibiotics intravenously as she peacefully slept. Meredith hadn't left her side, not for a second.

Neither had Derek.

They’d flanked her bed, holding her hand, silently watching over her while Maggie and Chase had taken it upon themselves to keep a quiet vigil outside the room, shooing away curious interns and nosey nurses.

Soon, Zola had been wheeled in for her surgery with Bailey and Alex nodding reassuringly towards them; she’d been relieved when Alex had offered to stay in the OR, if there was anyone that Meredith trusted with her daughter’s surgery- it was her mentor and her person. She would be taken care of, they’d make sure of it.

Now again, they sat in the God-forsaken waiting room, hoping nothing went awry; it was a simple procedure she knew that however, she couldn't possibly rest until she had her baby safely in her arms.

She rested her head against Chase’s shoulder as he warmly rubbed her arm; he had cancelled his morning surgeries so that he could be with them, an action she deeply appreciated. Derek sat across her, clasping the lion he had bought Zola years ago- in his arms. There were remnants of dried vomit on it, residue of when Zola had thrown up in the car on her way to the hospital. She furtively glanced at him, unable to catch his eyes for he looked almost...broken and she understood that her blow-up earlier was partly, if not completely, the reason for it.

He hadn't deserved the jabs she’d thrown his way; had the roles been reversed she, too, would have been thrown out of the CT room by Bailey, she comprehended this yet for some inexplicable reason she’d snapped at him, hurt him in what was probably the worst possible way. She couldn't explain it or even begin to validate her actions because she knew that she had been in the wrong but then they had, at times, brought out the worst in each other. So she let it go. At least, for now.

Chase’s gentle nudge brought her out of her guilt-ridden reverie. She looked up at him, dazed as he pointed towards an approaching Bailey and Alex with their interns behind them. She met them halfway as Derek joined her side.

”The surgery went perfectly-textbook procedure.”, Bailey started, ”Zola is in a recovery room right now and we will transfer her to her room as soon as the effects of the anaesthesia wear off.”, she smiled warmly at her.

”Thank you. Thank you so much.” Bailey only nodded in acknowledgement but she knew she understood, she was a mother herself after all.

”Thank you so much, Miranda, Karev. Thank you for looking after her.”, Derek said looking mostly at her mentor and for a second something seemed to pass between them but before she could interpret or even attempt to decipher it, it was gone.

”Come on, I'll take you guys to her.” she followed Alex out of the room.

* * *

Zola had awakened post her surgery, groggy and confused but soon she’d gotten her bearings and afterwards, sat gulping her post-surgery popsicle. Both him and Meredith had peppered her with kisses, repeatedly told her how brave she’d been through it all, Derek had showered her with his corny jokes until he’d managed a raucous laugh out of her, sat diligently by her side until she had fallen asleep, spent.

As he had heard her laugh, Derek had felt an overwhelming rush of love for this tiny human, _his_ tiny human and knew that no matter how hard he tried to push away his reality, the next few months were going to be _agonizing_.

Meredith fixed Zola’s perfectly kept duvet yet again as he watched on silently. Zola had been asleep for the past couple of hours and both of them had sat, unmoving, afraid still, perhaps they’d be scared forever no matter how old their children got.

He slightly stretched his legs, grunting in the uncomfortable hospital chair, suppressed a yawn but made no move to get out of the room. Only now that the adrenaline and the fear had waned that he could feel the stabbing pain in his abdomen, unyielding, persistent in its presence.

”Okay, you two. Get out of here, get something to eat, rest your eyes for a bit. You look half-dead.”, she paused for a second. ”More like three-quarters dead. Both of you, come on now!”

They turned around to face the Nazi, arms on her hips, brows furrowed.

”Oh no Meredith Grey, did I permit you to utter a word? This is non-negotiable, that girl needs her parents to not look..like _that_ ”, she scoffed waving her hand around about the two of them animatedly.

He gaped at Meredith who seemed just as startled but then he noticed the tired expression on her face, the dark circles under her eyes, he assumed he only looked worse- maybe Miranda did have a point and well, he honestly had no energy left to fight a losing battle against her.

”Oh what are you looking at? Get your asses moving!”, she said, exasperated.

They moved towards her with a start.

”Get. Something. To. Eat. And sleep. That's an order from your chief of surgery. And.. I will make sure that an intern pages you as soon as Zola is awake”, she finished softly.

Unable to rebut her in any way, the once-lovers made their way towards the cafeteria.

* * *

Derek had retrieved a turkey sandwich from the cafeteria yet had felt no urge to eat so he had quietly slipped away to his office.

So now he sat, surrounded by thick paper and scans, clinical trials’ information open on his laptop, grappling for anything that might give him a sliver of hope, anything that would even slightly ease his anguish.

He heard a knock at his door. ”Come in”, he yelled, hurriedly closing his laptop and upturning the papers on his desk.

Meredith shuffled inside and slowly pushed the door closed. He gazed up at her questioningly with his hands folded atop his closed laptop.

She was nervously fidgeting with her watch as she began, ” Look I...”, she suddenly came to a stop, perusing his office, a befuddled look on her face.

”Your office looks...different.” Meredith hadn't been in his office since before their divorce with the office being closed off while he was in DC; he hadn't changed it much, just replaced the picture featuring the two of them standing in front of their lake in each others’ arms, grinning unabashedly at the camera with stacks of neurosurgical journals. It had taken him more than a year to do so, but he had.

He doubted that was what she had meant by it. It was probably the mess that had caught her attention. The past week had been consuming, to say the least. He had ransacked his office for old articles and research papers, the up and coming clinical trials, mounds and mounds of data and afterwards, he just hadn't had the motivation to...fix it so his office lay in disarray while he worked in the middle of the chaos.

”Right, yeah. Have just been working on this new clinical trial so..research.” the lie came easily to him; she’d once called him a ’lying liar’, turns out he hadn't changed much since.

”Oh, alright. It’s just that you're a neat freak. Or you used to be at least.”

”Is everything okay? Is Zola okay?”

”Yes. Yes, she’s fine. Still asleep. I just came here to...”

She moved towards his desk, her eyes fixed on the scan peeping from below the stack of papers. She extracted the scan and held it up against her face, surveying.

”This is that same guy, right? You’re still treating him?”

”No...no, I was just looking at some clinical trials for him.”, he shook his head furiously.

”Okay but you know that in cases this advanced- the patients aren't really eligible for most clinical trials. It's just palliative care at this point. Not much there to do." she kept the scan back in its place as she shrugged her shoulders.

Derek could feel his heart palpitating, could feel his chest getting tighter, the walls were closing in on him-stifling him, clutching him, he could barely breathe without feeling an insurmountable pressure on his chest, he could barely breathe at all.

”Do you want some water?”, he interrupted her before she could ask any more questions, moving towards her with a glass of water, his hands trembling.

He motioned for her to take a seat on the couch as he handed her the glass.

”Uh..thanks.” she quickly gulped down the water, perspiration marring her forehead. ” Okay so I came here.. I came to apologize.”

”What for?”, she looked at him incredulously before taking a deep breath, calming her nerves. ”For today...earlier today. I shouldn't have blown up at you like that, it was uncalled for, I shouldn't have...” she rubbed her face and stood up, facing him with a pained expression in her eyes. ”I shouldn't have said the things that I did, never should have called you a bad father because you’re not..you’re not a bad father, Derek. It's just that I..I, Zola was sick, in pain and I wasn't there, I'm her mother, she needed me and I wasn't there and when I saw you in the waiting room I thought that you hadn't been there _either_ , I didn't know that she had been sedated or that Bailey had thrown you out..I just..kept imagining her, all alone, terrified and it just..came out, I didn't mean it, you have to know that, Derek. You have to know that I didn't mean what I said. I just...”

”You don't have to apologize to me, Meredith. I get it, of course, I do. She's my daughter too, I understand. You don't have to..it’s fine, really.” he sat down on the couch with his head in his hands, barely audible. ”And I mean had the roles been reversed, I would have acted similarly; hell I have and not just similar but worse, I've been _much_ worse.” he let out a humourless chuckle, eyes downcast. ”And I never apologized for it either, did I? Her silence was answer enough. ”God, I'm...” _such an asshole, why did you ever put up with me?_ He wanted to say instead he said, ”I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything I said, I didn't mean it I swear, I was just mad and I..I never meant any of it. You’re the best mother our children can have, the best mother _any_ child can have and you're their world, Mer, their superhero and when you're not with them it's only because you _absolutely_ have to be somewhere else, they know that, Mer, they do. They know they’re your entire world. They’ll always know...I hope you know that.”, he looked away from her, shameful.

Meredith quietly settled down beside him fidgeting with the watch on her wrist, her face masked with disbelief and something akin to sorrow.

They sat in silence for what felt like a lifetime with Derek too guilty to continue and Meredith too disconcerted to begin.

”I could really use some tequila right now. ”, she began awkwardly with a mischievous glint in her eyes. Good. He didn't deserve her forgiveness.

”Me too.”

”You?”, she scoffed lightly.

”What?”

”You hate tequila, Derek”

”Yes, but well with the day it's been I just need something to pass out.”

She giggled loudly at him. God, how he had missed that sound, he’d always loved her giggle, loved the way it lit her up her entire face, loved the way it always felt like a warm embrace.

” _You_ don't _passout_ when you have tequila, Derek” she rolled her eyes at him, the grin never leaving her face.

”That was one time!”

”Sure it was.”

”Was too!”

”I had to practically wrestle you from Joe’s because I was afraid if I'd let you stay for a minute longer, I'd find you dancing on the countertops, half-naked.”

Before he could even begin to defend himself, she cut him off. ”And then there was the time you almost got into a fist-fight with the burly guy over fantasy football and then the time when...”

”Okay, okay, I get it. I'm not a drink-tequila-and-pass-out person. ” he paused.” You would know, I only ever drank tequila for you.”, he added gently, imperceptibly moving closer to her.

”I do know”, she murmured, slightly angling her body towards him, glancing up at him with half-lidded eyes.

He could feel his heart racing as he watched her run her tongue over her chapped lips and he couldn't help but go on, ”You have...abysmal taste.”

She raised her eyebrow at him, challenging. ”Scotch tastes like..stale rice-water.”

”So you always say.”

”I should know, I only ever had scotch for you.”

”I know.” Derek was almost certain he was imagining it but he could feel Meredith getting closer to him, their thighs touching now. His breathing sped up, he watched Meredith gulp slowly as he gently took hold of her hand, caressing her skin.

”Mer..”, he whispered tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, she closed her eyes at his touch and he watched as she shivered slightly.

She was close, too close, close enough that he could smell the lavender, close enough that he could count the tiny freckles on her cheeks, close enough that he could feel the heat emanating off her, close enough that he could barely feel anything beyond her breath on his cheek, her thigh pressing against his, her hands tightly clutching her sweatpants, close enough that he could barely breathe.

He unhurriedly trailed his thumb along her jaw, below her full lips, relearning the contours of her face, her quiet gasp only fueling his actions further. Suddenly, she fixed her intense gaze on him, her eyes having been morphed into a silver he’d witnessed so many times before, one that had always managed to make him stop and she slowly tilted her head, her eyes never leaving his and the loud voice in his head telling him to stop, to consider the consequences of his actions-just stopped.

She was close, _too_ close and he couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything beyond pushing their bodies closer; she was too close, too close and he couldn't think, couldn't _think_ so he leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against hers. He felt her breath hitch, felt her hesitate for a second before she parted her lips, returning the kiss and then his arms were around her, hers hooked in his hair and it seemed impossible that there was any space left between them yet they pushed to be closer, to feel more. The familiar taste of her, her warm touch, her quiet moans made him want to weep so instead, he slipped his tongue inside her mouth and then she was pushing him into the arm of the couch, his tongue darting out to trace her neck, exploring, reacquainting. He could feel her lithe fingers trace his spine under his thick hoodie, making him shiver. She still remembered his body, just like he remembers hers; remembers that an open-mouthed kiss below her ear always made her tremble, remembers that she loved his fingers in her hair, remembers that she loved _him_ -a long time ago and then they’ve stopped, foreheads pressed to each, both breathing heavily, limbs still intertwined; staring, staring silently, asking without words, answering without questioning. He can hear a phone ringing in the background but it's as if they’re underwater, the sound muffled, barely reaching them. Derek pressed a gentle kiss at the corner of her mouth, a peck, barely touching her skin as if his body was aware of what was going to happen next as much as his mind was. And then she’s pushing him off, disentangling herself, fixing her hair, a haunted look on her face.

”Oh God, oh God. What have I done?”, she whispered with tears running down her face and then she is running away from him, never looking back.

Derek could feel his heart break as he watched her leave because he knew, _knew_ for a fact that Meredith Grey would now hate him.

He knew, because he knew her.

* * *

**A/N: I'm so so sorry for the delay in uploading this chapter. Thank you for all those of who reviewed and those of you who stuck around to read this story. You mean the world to me! Anyway, tell me what you think about this one. Like it? Hate it? What can be changed? Made a bit different?**

**PS: question- would you guys be interested in flashbacks (mostly about how their marriage came to an end)-? Lemme know.**

**Thank you! Hope everyone had a safe and happy new year!**


	6. Nowhere Warm

**Disclaimer: don't own anything.**

Meredith had almost convinced herself that she hadn't made a huge, intractable mistake.

”Wait- so you’re getting married in a month?”, Callie asked with a hint of surprise in her voice.

Almost.

”No, not in a month. January.”

She looked around the table, comprised of her closest friends sat with different levels of incredulity marring their face and her resolve almost crumpled.

It wasn't a mistake. It wasn't a mistake. It wasn't a mistake. It was not a mistake. She chanted in her head continually as the silence around her thickened until Maggie awkwardly began looking at her colleagues at the table, disapproval etched on her face

”We’re really happy for you, Mer!”, she murmured.

”Yes. Of course!”

”The girls are gonna love it!”

”Mer, it's great.”

”Yeah. ”

”Yeah.”

She tuned out the feeble reassurances thrown her way for however hard they tried, Alex remained silent throughout the whole ordeal, avoiding her gaze.

Maybe she had made a mistake, after all.

It had started as a joke with Chase fooling around, wondering how people pulled off weddings so quickly and so efficiently and then she’d initiated; insisted on having the wedding at the earliest, in a month- Chase had looked at her with shining eyes and a bewildered look until he’d grinned unabashedly and kissed her senseless.

So she was marrying Chase. In January. Because she loved him, loved him so much that she couldn't wait to begin her life with him.

Right?

She pulled herself out of her spiralling thoughts when someone loudly slammed their tray on the table, muttering to themselves furiously.

”What crawled up your ass?”, Alex asked a flustered Amelia as she began frantically chewing her turkey sandwich.

”Glad that you asked and I will come to that in a second but first, has anyone seen my ass of a brother? Because I'd like to arrange his funeral. Thank you.”

”What did he do?”, Callie asked.

"Oh, what did he not do?! Guess who is coming to Seattle tonight? My mother, my _mother_! And guess who didn't tell me? Or better yet, guess who called her here for Thanksgiving? Oh yes, it was my jerkface brother! The freaking golden child! And my mother doesn't even know that I'm pregnant _or_ that Owen and I are divorced _or_ that I'm with another man now; so what does that make me? Black Sheep squared? Black Sheep the Supreme? Commander in Chief of the Black Sheep Agency?” she took a deep breath, clenching her fists. ”I. Am. Going. To. Kill. Him.”, Amelia groaned dramatically as she continued to curse at Derek.

Carolyn Shepherd was coming to Seattle.

She’d been civil, warm even to Meredith post the divorce; she’d made it clear that whatever had gone down between the couple wouldn't affect the relationship Meredith had slowly built with her mother-in-law yet, Meredith had avoided her calls, intentionally kept herself busy when Carolyn called the kids, made sure they were already at Derek’s when she came to visit because when a marriage falls apart it isn't just one relationship that disintegrates, it’s a lot more; it’s all of them-leaving behind only pieces of what used to be.

It had been a week since Zola’s surgery and the subsequent unfortunate incident that had occurred between Meredith and Derek, that’s what she called it because anything else was too real, too painful. After all, she was a horrible person who had betrayed the man who loved her. After all, she was a horrible person who couldn't own up to her mistakes so in the week that Zola recuperated Meredith didn't dare look at Derek; he would stay at her house with the kids until they’d fall asleep but he never stayed for dinner, she never asked; Chase stayed by her side, oblivious, trusting and the guilt she pushed away everytime she looked at him, threatened to swallow her whole.

Now, Zola was back in school, back to being the happy young child and Meredith? Meredith had started wearing the engagement ring Chase had got her.

So the arrival of Derek’s mother terrified her because she had always been able to see through their acts, all of them.

Suddenly, Amelia was storming off still muttering under her breath, tracked by her intern and Meredith was being paged to the attending's lounge. Strange, she wondered as she moved away from the table in the cafeteria and towards the elevator. Nobody used the attending’s lounge during the lunch hour, most attending preferred the cafeteria or their offices.

Who could be paging her?

* * *

Derek wanted to bang his head against a wall. Or drill burr holes in his skull. Anything but having this conversation with Olivia yet again.

He’d run away from her when she’d met him at his office only to be cornered by her in the attending’s lounge; it was empty save for the two of them.

At this point, he didn't care about what she had to say, he was just ready to walk away.

She looked at him with a grimace and snatched the pen he was fidgeting with, from his hands.

”What-”

”Your mother is coming today.”

”How do you-”

”Doesn't matter.”, she cut him off. He looked at her with raised eyebrows urging her to go on.

”Your mother is coming today and you will tell her.”

”No.”

”Yes.”

”Derek-”, she sighed heavily. He looked at her, really looked at her and noted how exhausted she looked, how much he had exhausted her.

”Look, now I will talk and you will listen. When your mother gets here, you _will_ tell her. Everything. And no you can't run away from this anymore, Derek. It's been two weeks, _two_ freaking weeks of inaction. We needed to start work yesterday so no matter what you say, I won't listen to you. Not anymore.” she said shaking her head grimly.

”Olivia, stop. This is none of your business.”

”Excuse me? I am your doctor so yes it is precisely my business!” she yelled her dark eyes blazing.

”No. No! You don't get to..you.. Why? Why does it matter if someone knows?”, he asked scornfully.

”Because you can't do this alone. Because you need someone.”

”Yes, yes I can do this alone. I don't need anyone.”

”Everybody needs someone, Derek.”

”Well I don't! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I always have been! ”

She groaned with frustration as she moved toward him angrily.

”You know what? I don't care anymore. Fighting with you is futile so I will inform your family.”

”You will do no such thing. Olivia!” he tore at his hair and gritted his teeth as he narrowed his eyes at her. ”You can't do that. It's against the protocol.”

” I can when the patient is incapable of making decisions for themselves, in fact, in that case, it is my responsibility to inform the family.”

”I’m not incapable!”, he screamed.

”You were three days ago!”, Olivia leaned towards him, unable to keep her voice from trembling.

”That was one time.”

”No, Derek. Do you not understand? You were in so much pain that you passed out, you're a pain specialist for god’s sake; you know how serious that is! You had to be taken to the ER and you _still_ refuse to get help.”

”It was nothing; I'm _fine_.”

”No, no you're not.”, she said softly. ”And either you tell your family tonight or I will. I'm sorry but..”

”Absolutely not! I’ll.. I’ll fire you..you can't!”, Derek yelled clenching his fists.

”We’re going around in circles and if you do fire me then it rids me of the obligation of keeping your secret so just...tell your mother, Derek.”, she sighed resignedly.

”Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.”, he replied rubbing his temple.

”Derek...”

”No, what do you want me to say, Olivia? Hey, Ma I know you travelled halfway across the country to see your children and grandchildren and yes, everything’s great and oh yeah work is incredible and one more thing before you go- I have cancer. The bad kind, the kind you don't get out of alive so yeah...Happy. Freaking. Thanksgiving.”

He couldn't help the tears that welled up in his eyes so he turned away from Olivia toward the speculum coloured wall behind him with his hands on his hips, only to be met with a pair of steel-grey eyes and, Derek could feel all the air rush out of his lungs.

* * *

That couldn't be right. She must have heard it wrong. That...Derek couldn't. This just wasn't possible; somebody was obviously messing with her. The page to the lounge, the set-up. This...this had to be a colossally stupid practical joke, it had to be yet as she looked up at Derek standing a few feet away from her, his hair ruffled, his shoulders slouched and she knew, knew that this was no trick.

In all the years that she had known him, Derek Shepherd had always seemed larger than life, he wasn't particularly a big guy in stature but small was never a word that any individual associated with Derek Shepherd. He had often been called egomaniacal, almost always had charmed his way out of any situation, in a crowded room people naturally gravitated toward him however as she looked at him, all she could notice was his haggard face, his bent back, his gaunt shoulders, his addled limbs and in that moment all she could think of as she glanced at him was that Derek Shepherd looked _small_ and it made her want to put her hand through a wall.

”How..how long have you been standing there?”, Derek said, slowly breaking the choking silence.

She moved closer toward him, slowly, as if approaching an animal in the wild.

”What’s going on, Derek?”, she asked firmly, never taking her eyes off him.

_I have cancer. The bad kind, the kind you don't get out of alive._

It didn't make sense. The woman called Olivia had mentioned how Derek had sat by idly for two weeks, for _two_ weeks; Derek was not the sort of person who stood and watched things unfold, he worked, he was essentially a doer and his refusal to work for himself just didn't make any sense. He couldn't have just sat around for weeks, doing nothing. He couldn't have. There had to be more, if she could just _think_.

_Early fifties, white male with hepatocellular carcinoma. Stage three with a bilobed liver tumour which is wrapped around the hepatic portal vein._

_He’s... an old patient of mine._

_No...no, I was just looking at some clinical trials for him._

Oh, God.

Oh, _God_.

”The scans with the liver tumour-they were yours, weren't they?”, she asked slowly, her voice shaking.

He refused to meet her eyes instead quietly moving toward the jug of water on the table.

”Derek..”, she part chastised, part questioned.

”You should...go.”, he replied after gulping down the glass of water, leaning heavily on the table as if it was a monumental act to even stand.

”Derek, you have to tell me.”

”Leave, Meredith. Leave me alone.”

She quickly closed the distance between them, forcing him to look at her.

”I need to know if those scans were yours, Derek and if not, I need to see your scans; I need the details; the treatment plan, the prognosis. I need to know what we’re facing.”

”There is no ’we’, Meredith.”, he scoffed loudly.

She looked around the room hoping to find some paperwork, anything that could tell her that the scans he had shown her were not his, that he had a good prognosis, a resectable tumour, a cancer caught early however all that she found was that at some point the olive-skinned doctor Derek had been arguing with earlier, had left.

”Stop.”, he put his hand up. ”I know what you're doing so just stop. And leave me alone.” he began walking toward the exit so she promptly put her hand on his arm to stop him; he flinched as soon as she did so.

”What do you want, Meredith?”, he asked, almost menacingly.

”I want you to give me your chart.”, she wouldn't back down, she had been expecting his anger, his mean streak.

”It’s none of your damn business!”

”Yes, it is.”

”No, _no_ it's not. You're not my wife anymore, Meredith or have you forgotten..I mean isn't the huge ring on your finger a reminder enough?”, he snarled, his eyes turning the colour of the midnight sky.

She stood with her arms crossed, lips pursed, waiting for the jabs she knew were coming.

”Just give me the damn chart.”

”No. Meredith, leave. I said leave!"

”Fine, don't give me the chart; just tell me if that tumour was yours.”

He rubbed his three-day-old stubble, infuriated, before tightly pressing his palms against his eyes.

”This is none of your business! You...you mean nothing to me, _nothing_. We’re not married anymore, we don't even look at each other anymore and you expected me to tell you.”, he chuckled humorlessly. ”We didn't have a good divorce or really...even a good _marriage_ so no, Meredith you don't get my chart.”

Meredith willed herself not to retaliate, willed herself to convey that she was unaffected, unafraid, willed herself to convey that his words didn't feel like daggers splitting her bones.

” _Stop_. Fine then tell me who your treating physician is? Your surgeon?”

”Dont..dont you understand? I don't want to tell you, I have no obligation to! You. Mean. Nothing. To. Me. ”, he repeated, leaning towards her.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and moved out of the room and towards the end of the hall. As soon as Derek figured out where she was headed, he was sprinting behind her.

Meredith had found it endearing, astounding even how a man like Derek Shepherd-someone who thrived on fixed patterns and was meticulous to a fault, almost always forgot to lock his office. They’d joked about it until Meredith had started texting him everyday, reminding him of this simple task; so as she made her way forward, the shortcomings of Derek’s memory and the absence of their shared affinity was the only thing helping her.

”You can't just go into my office!”

Derek grabbed her arm to stop her and turned her around to face him.

”Meredith, fine, the scan was mine. There you go. Are you happy now? I'm the one with the inoperable tumour and the liver cancer and the horrible prognosis. I just...hope that you're happy now.”, he snarled at her as his wet indigo eyes met hers.

”Derek I-”

”Hey, guys everything okay?”, Maggie asked coming up behind them.

”Yeah, of course.”

”I...have to go. I have a patient.”, Derek said and rushed inside his office, giving a slight nod to her sister.

She watched him lock himself inside as Maggie looked at her, confusion etched on her face.

”What was that about? Is there something...?”

”What? No. _No_.”

”Oh, alright. Just it looked like there was something..and I mean he has a patient inside his office?”, Maggie said, wide-eyed.

She didn't have the time to answer her sister’s questions so she turned around and walked away, in search of more answers.

* * *

Meredith knew that the only place that she could find any answers were wherever Olivia was. She assumed Olivia was Derek’s doctor and she needed to find her.

She was sure that Olivia wasn't employed at Grey-Sloan so she was either here to confront Derek or on a consult; if the former was the case, Meredith would have no luck finding her any time soon.

She made her way towards the OR board, only to find Chase there, stretching his arms.

”Hey! Sorry I missed you at lunch, my patient kept coding and I had to take him in soon as possible..”

Meredith studied the board, unable to discern Chase’s words. She only had a first name which made it difficult since it was protocol to address the surgeon with their last names, but a few years ago the board had implemented a new rule wherein all guest consultants’ and surgeon’s names had to be highlighted, even on the OR board. So all she needed to look for was- a highlighted name with the letter ’O’ involving onco-surgeries, that is, if she was here for a consult or if she hadn't left already.

Hall, A . Washington, S. Tristan, M. Turner, O.

Ah, there it was! Turner, O as the lead surgeon on a laparoscopic right hemicolectomy.

”Mer?”

”Sorry-what?”, she turned towards a puzzled looking Chase.

”I said- did you invite everyone for the Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow?”

”Yeah, yeah”, she replied half-heartedly, waving her hand at him.

The surgery was scheduled to end in an hour so Meredith found herself in the gallery of OR 2, observing.

* * *

”Hey, come with me.”, Olivia said approaching her outside the scrub room.

”Good surgery.”, Meredith replied only to be met with a silent nod as they made their way towards the viewing room.

Olivia pushed the door open and quickly stepped into the room, fetching a thick stack of papers and handing them to Meredith.

She didn't have to look at the CT scan to know what she’d find but she did anyway.

”He came in two weeks ago with nausea, fever, vomiting, unexplained weight loss; he initially assumed it was the stomach flu and treated it as such but then the symptoms didn't get any better and he soon had persistent pain in the right upper part of his abdomen. That's when I intervened, made him get some tests done and he had an extremely high level of AFP and well then he got a CT scan and an MRI done.”

”Where you found the tumour.”, Meredith continued.

”Yes, and further diagnosed him with Hepatocellular Carcinoma, stage C.”

”Did you consult a general surgeon about the tumour?”, Meredith asked.

”Yes, Miranda. I wanted your opinion but Derek was adamant that you don't get involved.”

”What did Bailey say?”

”Same as what you did.”

Meredith pushed down the bile rising in her throat.

”Do you have a plan?”

”Yes, of course, I do.” Olivia rolled her eyes.

”But...Derek refuses to listen.”, she paused. ”Look I have to go check on my patient; the chart has everything you need to know-keep it and tell me what you think now.”

 _Now that you know it's Derek_ \- she didn't have to say.

She concentrated on the files in her arms, afraid that if she stopped, if she gave herself a moment, she’d fall apart.

”It was you...who paged me to the lounge. Right?”

Olivia halted, slowly turned around to face her again before replying, ”Yes.”

”Why?”

”Because..Derek..he needs your help...he needs _you_.”, Olivia whispered, her voice shuddering and then she rushed out of the room leaving Meredith wondering.

She plopped down on the nearest chair, sighing loudly.

Something, something was wrong. This couldn't be it; there had to be some fault in the diagnosis, in the scans, it couldn't be Derek. He couldn't have advanced stage liver cancer; it just didn't _add_ up. Yes, he had significantly lost weight but she knew that Derek ran marathons now.

He ate muesli and exercised, drank occasionally and never smoked. He was just...Derek, her Derek, who believed in fairytales and miracles, who saw the world in black and white yet spent years learning her ways, who was the father of her children, who loved, loved and _loved_ so wholly.

Derek who planned to die when he was 110, in her arms.

thiswasntrightthiswasntrightthuswasntright.

She could feel all the air rush out of her lungs as she went over the details. Over and over again. Until the words blurred together, until she couldn't breathe, until every cell in her body hurt, until her heart felt like it would explode, until tears were streaming down her face, until she was convinced that the universe was dark, obtuse and so _so_ unforgiving.

* * *

Derek knew his mother so as he stood at the airport with her nowhere in sight, he was sure that she had taken the bus, completely dismissing his intention of picking her up.

He also adored his mother but sometimes, just sometimes marvelled at her obstinate nature but then, he wasn't any different.

Right when he was about to give up and leave he felt a firm tap on his shoulder.

”Well, there you are, dear.” Derek turned around to face his mother, clad in a thick coat with a big bag hung around her shoulder and a flyer with ’Longer hours, Longer wages’ clasped in her hands. He moved to take the bag from her hands and knew enough not to question her about the flyer.

”Ma! I've been looking for you, I thought you took the bus.”

”I was about to but then I found out there was a strike by the bus drivers going on, so I joined them.”, she replied nonchalantly, shrugging her shoulders. She had been a nurse for years, she knew all about longer hours and minimum wages.

”Ah, well aren't you going to give your old mother a hug.”

Pines, chocolate chip cookies and his childhood home, Derek thought as he tightly embraced his mother. That's what she always smelt like. Oh God, how he had missed that, how he had missed her.

Suddenly Derek felt an immense urge to weep in her arms so he quickly pulled away, before he could act on his emotions, before he ruined Thanksgiving.

”You’ve gotten so thin”, she muttered running her hands over his face ”Are you not eating, Derek?”

”Ma”, he could feel his pulse throb” I'm fine, just busy.”

He knew she didn't believe him but she didn't question him any further as they moved toward his car.

”I can't wait to see my grandchildren.”, she exclaimed with a toothy grin on her face as she sat buckling her seatbelt.

He had always been awestruck by his mother’s limitless love for her family, ever since he was a child he’d admired how she’d been through the worst experience a spouse could and yet she’d kept them going, mainly through her love.

”They can't wait to see you, too.”

”How is Zola?”

”Perfect. Back to school now. She's a little upset that she can't do ballet yet but otherwise, perfect.”, he replied with a proud grin.

They spent the rest of the drive in relative silence with his mother quietly humming along to the radio but he could tell that she was itching to ask him something and he was too much of a coward to push her.

”Derek...”,

”Mmm?”, she took a long pause before looking right at him as she asked gently, ”How is your sister?”

Amelia and their mother had a rocky relationship, to say the least, after Amy had moved to Seattle and Derek had, unsuccessfully, tried to mend some of the cracks in their relationship. They barely made any conversation however he remained the bridge between them with both women racked with guilt and worry about the other, asking Derek about each other’s lives.

He drove silently for a beat before answering, ”She’s good, Ma. Really good. Happy. I’ll let her tell you the rest.”

She seemed satisfied with the reply. For now.

As he parked the car in front of his apartment complex, he noted the absence of Amelia’s car and from his mother’s sunken face he knew she did, too.

He hoped more than anything that in the next few months, the two of them could bridge the gaps in their relationship, that they could love freely again.

If Derek knew anything at all, it was that they would need it, that they would need each other.

* * *

**A/N: a bit on the shorter side but felt like the right place to end anyway thank you again for the lovely reviews. You people are amazing!**

**PS: check out the first chapter I added something there.**

**Hope everyone has a good day!**


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